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Three women were being held in a foreign country. They were slated for the firing squad.

The commander yells, "Ready...Aim..." and the brunette yells "Earthquake!!!"

Immediately the soldiers fall to the ground and in the confusion the brunette escapes.

The commander then tells his soldiers to get up. "Ready...Aim..." and the redhead yells "Tornado!!!"

Immediately the soldiers fall to the ground and in the confusion the redhead escapes.

The commander then yells to his soldiers to get up. "Ready...Aim..." and the blonde yells "Fire!!!"

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.

One boy said, "My father is better than your father."

The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."

The first boy paused and then replied, "I guess you're right.
My father says the same thing."

Yo' Mamma is so ugly, I went into your house saw her TV was covered with cockroaches!

I asked her what she was watching, and she said 'All My Children'

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was, "Oh you look about 29?"
"I am actually 47." That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell", and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "Ok, You are 47."

Stunned the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds!"

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single.

One day he decides to throw a huge party, during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give 1 million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed, he said, "My boy that was incredible!
Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain, which do you want my daughter or the 1 million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

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The best of (Top 100)