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A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

There was a reporter from the city stuck in a small mountainous town in W.Va. He decided to use the time by getting a good story to submit to his boss. He saw an old man sitting outside a local store and went over to begin the interview.

"Sir, I am writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?"

The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time. "Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it....my, that was fun!"

The reporter couldn't write a story about that so he asked for another.

"Well, when my neighbor's wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!"

The reporter was frustrated. "Sir, I can't submit a story like that. Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had."

"Well," the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up at the reporter with a pained expression, "thar was that time "I" got lost..."

Bits of information to help you through the day:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included here?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmm.....)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did the gov't pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed.
(I'm sure glad somebody found that out!)

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
( So my ex-husband WAS a cockroach after all!)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home! What the....")

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(hmmm...chocolate...doh!...not chocolate, not chocolate! BAD DOG!)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have any brains.
(...and are now employed at JokesGalore.com!)

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the jerk upside the head.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

Q: What did the mayonsaise say to the refrigetrator?
A: Shut the door, I'm dressing!

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