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The opening credits of The Simpsons(tm) shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits.
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
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Advertise:
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The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
FREE PUPPIES:
PART COCKER SPANIEL -
PART SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
GEORGIA PEACHES
- CALIFORNIA GROWN -
89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
COMMUNITY HEADLINE:
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER!
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
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