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Some lessons learned in life:
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.
No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Never lick a steak knife.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
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Clinton doesn't inhale, he sucks
USE CAUTION! 90% of people are made by accident.
It's a dog eat dog world... and I'm wearing milkbone underwear!!!
I break for hallucinations
My Lawyer Can Beat Your Lawyer
Blondes Are Not Dumb (the bumper sticker was upside-down)
DADDY FARTED AND WE CAN'T GET OUT!!!
IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING, STAY OFF THE SIDEWALK!!!
Nuck Fewt
ORGASM DONOR
My child made Student of the Month at Juvenile Hall
No radio. Already stolen.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
My other wife is beautiful.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
There is one in every crowd and they always find me.
I love animals - They taste great!
I'd rather step in shit than smoke it.
Unless you are a hemorrhoid - get off my ass!
On the back of a caterer's truck: "Nobody beats our meat!"
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